Accepting what happens in our life, is both challenging and rewarding. In my last post, I wrote that everything that is important to you matters. I cannot speak for you. When I tell myself “it doesn’t matter” it is because I am feeling something, I dislike. I may have been discouraged, disappointed, disrespected, and I am feeling insecure. This feeling can be slight or intense, and somehow we think that saying it doesn’t matter makes it okay. We may even think it is a way of letting go of the feelings, and perhaps it is an effective method. You know a kind of like don’t sweat the small stuff, and it’s all small stuff. I think that we can do ourselves more harm than good. By saying it doesn’t matter we can affect our self-worth. In addition, we can distort our outlook of other people involved in “IT.” I asked myself an additional question along with when it will matter. What is it?
Several weeks ago, I wrote an article expressing that I will stop, ignoring things. Sometimes I see negative things going on around me and think it doesn’t matter. As I started working on changing this in myself, I came up with something that really works for me. Do you ever hear yourself think, “It doesn’t matter?” I have come to understand that I think this way. It may be because I am trying to dismiss how I feel about something. It may be because I think I should do something, and I can accept that it is unimportant. Not everything can intensely matter to us, or we will drive ourselves insane with concern and worry. However, because procrastination causes so many adversities in our lives, we can benefit from one simple question.
Marion wrote a very insightful article on forgiveness that I recommend. She touched on the different aspects of forgiveness like, I have never seen. I have read many books on the subject and have become an understanding and compassionate person. However, how I became that way was a little beyond my awareness. Marion’s article gave me insight as to how I actually helped myself!
What is the child inside you telling you? As children, we must have authorization and allow another to decide many things for us. There is no getting around this and the drawbacks can affect us later in life. As adults if we carry on with life, as if we are children, we become confused. People tell us that it is helpful to be more childlike and this can confuse us or reinforce the existing confusion. Childlike behavior is that of wonder, living in the now and experiencing life to the fullest. Childish behavior is approval seeking, feeling that you need permission, and wanting other people to make your decisions. When we are childish, we lack the confidence to pursue our wonders and inner dialogue reminds us of what we want to avoid when it comes to other people. This inner dialogue develops in our early years and controls us, if we let it.
In an earlier post, I wrote about how self-help teaches us to be selfish. Each concept contains aspects that suggest we must be selfish if we want to succeed. In this series and particularly in this conclusion I have gained clarity. The more that you learn and grow the more you have to give. With each method throughout each concept, you learn to think of yourself and validate yourself. This is what I originally referred to as selfish in that article. In order to validate other people in a healthy way we must learn to validate ourselves. Each time we do something for another; it validates us if we are sincere. When we validate another person mechanically, we validate him or her, but not necessarily ourselves. In other words, when we do something for someone else if we do it for ourselves, we have the full effect.
Our mind is full of ideas and ideals, which we have gathered from experiences, authority figures, and even the media. The influence that other people can have on us is astonishing. Our parents teach us their values, and even though we may disagree, we adopt them on some level. Looking back at our childhood, we may decide to create our own methods and values. Belief systems intertwine with the values of the world surrounding us in such a way our mind spirals. This can place us in a constant state of confusion as to what we should do. Somehow, we feel that we should do the thing that is right according to the values of our parents, church, or the media. On the other hand, we struggle with what we want and this causes an inner conflict. If what we want conflicts with a value we adopted but opposes a value we developed, I do, but I don’t thinking begins.
While writing the series Helping People to Help Themselves I discovered more concerning the word “should”. When we tell people, what we believe he or she should do it demeans them. In other words, it does not empower them. Even when they ask us, what we would do or what we suppose they should do, it indicates that they are feeling helpless. This is the reason that when we think about what we should do, we feel unsupported. We can actually get a feeling that we are without value. Telling ourselves consciously what we should do is an unworthy way to validate ourselves. However, when we think that we should do something it is usually a competent thing. When you think of something you should do, it normally directs at what you want to achieve. We counsel ourselves with the word should and this can validate us; we have an inner guidance.
The other day I sent my mother the first article in this series, and after she read it, she called me. It has been quite a while since Mom has read anything I have written and my skills have improved. She said, “I read the article that you sent. Your writing is really improved!” She validated and then added without thought, “I thought you sent me to someone else’s blog. It sounded so professional.” It is easy to validate another person and just as easily, take it back. The words because, but and if are dis-qualifiers when it comes to validation. Mom left out the word because and still managed to tell me her reason (her because). We both laughed as we discussed how easy it is to have good intentions and thoughtlessly speak. Communication works in such a way that we affect one another, that is all there is to it.
I used to live my life in a perpetual state of ignorance. Last week while meditating, a light came on that helped me remind myself when I am moving in that direction. It was as if a tiny voice inside me said, “Sandra, do not ignore what you see, feel and listen to. Be aware and listen to the sights, sounds, and be with your senses.” As I began to understand that many of my problems, in fact, most of them, stem from being, ignore-ant, I felt revelation. We really cannot ignore or tune out what we dislike. Do you find yourself in a state of ignore-ance where you are being, ignore-ant?
Permitting another Person to Feel
Validation is not about making someone feel good, better or changing them. It is about insight, respect, and accepting. It is something that we do to let another person know we identify with his or her feelings or needs. To show we consider them and what they are going through and to let them know we care. It is about permitting another to live on their terms, and loving them. We cannot make anyone feel anything or make anything all better for anyone. Each person must find their own direction in this world; we can help by supporting instead of denying them.