Monthly Archives: August 2010

Accepting what happens in our life, is both challenging and rewarding. In my last post, I wrote that everything that is important to you matters. I cannot speak for you. When I tell myself “it doesn’t matter” it is because I am feeling something, I dislike. I may have been discouraged, disappointed, disrespected, and I am feeling insecure. This feeling can be slight or intense, and somehow we think that saying it doesn’t matter makes it okay. We may even think it is a way of letting go of the feelings, and perhaps it is an effective method. You know a kind of like don’t sweat the small stuff, and it’s all small stuff. I think that we can do ourselves more harm than good. By saying it doesn’t matter we can affect our self-worth. In addition, we can distort our outlook of other people involved in “IT.” I asked myself an additional question along with when it will matter. What is it?

What is the child inside you telling you? As children, we must have authorization and allow another to decide many things for us. There is no getting around this and the drawbacks can affect us later in life. As adults if we carry on with life, as if we are children, we become confused. People tell us that it is helpful to be more childlike and this can confuse us or reinforce the existing confusion. Childlike behavior is that of wonder, living in the now and experiencing life to the fullest. Childish behavior is approval seeking, feeling that you need permission, and wanting other people to make your decisions. When we are childish, we lack the confidence to pursue our wonders and inner dialogue reminds us of what we want to avoid when it comes to other people. This inner dialogue develops in our early years and controls us, if we let it.

The other day I sent my mother the first article in this series, and after she read it, she called me. It has been quite a while since Mom has read anything I have written and my skills have improved. She said, “I read the article that you sent. Your writing is really improved!” She validated and then added without thought, “I thought you sent me to someone else’s blog. It sounded so professional.” It is easy to validate another person and just as easily, take it back. The words because, but and if are dis-qualifiers when it comes to validation. Mom left out the word because and still managed to tell me her reason (her because). We both laughed as we discussed how easy it is to have good intentions and thoughtlessly speak. Communication works in such a way that we affect one another, that is all there is to it.

Permitting another Person to Feel

Validation is not about making someone feel good, better or changing them. It is about insight, respect, and accepting. It is something that we do to let another person know we identify with his or her feelings or needs. To show we consider them and what they are going through and to let them know we care. It is about permitting another to live on their terms, and loving them. We cannot make anyone feel anything or make anything all better for anyone. Each person must find their own direction in this world; we can help by supporting instead of denying them.