Friends and relatives have asked me what I did to change my life and how I managed to become so happy. This question is hard to answer, as there is no one thing I have done. Today I found what I think may have made the most significant difference. I stopped inner dialoguing. Inner dialogue affects us more than we may realize. It triggers fear and anxiety as we attempt to control outcomes beforehand. The subject is complex and to explain it all to you would take an entire book. I mean why we do it, and how we develop the habit of this processing varies. In some ways, it is something we do to avoid confrontations, and develop lies or excuses that we can tell others. On the other hand, we may just be asking questions while trying to find answers. The problem is that when we ask ourselves questions, many times we perceive or even pretend (act) as if someone else is doing the asking.
Today I stumbled across a key word that may activate our inner dialogue; this word is “ask”. Say, for example, that you want another person to do something for you. You may think I should call so and so to ask if they will do this. Think now how different you may feel if you simply think that you should see if they are willing. If we think that, we should ask someone something it sets our thinking process in line with possible outcomes, discouragements and rejection. This whole idea sounds ridiculous, but it seems relevant. Consider when you were a child, and you wanted to go somewhere or do something, and you were thinking about asking your parent for permission. You think of asking your mom if you could go to the park, you began processing all the possible responses, reactions and excuses that she may offer. The thought, I should see if mom would let me go to the park, produces a more spontaneous feeling.
Is it Helpful to Dialogue Ahead of an Event?
Inner dialogue is something we do to gain courage or confidence, or so we think. I see it as a method used to turn on our defenses and control or handle other people. I will have to let you figure that statement out for yourself. Some people have proposed that this form of dialogue is a good practice, and that you can remove feelings beforehand by practicing a conversation. Say, for example, that you want a day off from work, but you hesitate to ask. Some suggest that by creating the feelings beforehand that we can calm ourselves down before we ask. This idea is a method of getting in touch with how you feel, but does it decrease or increase the feeling during the actual event? Instead, are we simply going through the process of “dream disappointment” (setting ourselves up to accept rejection or failure)? The standard inner dialoguing we employ builds up feelings and places our authentic self in a box.
Test a scheme in your mind, or I said, and she did this, heeding the feelings you build! Can you feel your mind boxing you in on all sides? Does this feeling of no choice cause you to pursue or postpone? If you approach another after strong inner dialogue on a subject, your mood is set in stone! Your defenses are up and your view toward the other person colored – your impression clouded. The real event affects you if the talk with another person goes how you dialogued, or does not. Often we are happy that they say something unlike what we projected. Many times, we become upset when they say what we thought they might. It all depends on our assumptions and through inner dialogue; we set those beliefs in play. It is our mood and approach that cause other people to meet our expectations! After we have dialogued a situation with another person, we tend to try to make it the truth. We have produced an illusion in our minds that must become manifest – we sabotage ourselves or build a self-fulfilling prophesy. In other words, even if you want the boss to say that you may have the day off, your approach and mood can fail to reflect the desire. Your conduct will bring about the answer!
One Modification can have a Huge Impact.
If you only work in one area of self-help, this area is very likely the most constructive. Try doing some research on feelings, thoughts and inner dialogue. Learn to stop this insane action (thinking process). You can do it, but you must want to learn about words and the way they affect us. You may have to learn about manipulation and power struggles before you can eliminate the struggles you have in your own mind. Pay attention to your feelings because these alert you when you are carrying on an unhealthy dialogue! If you catch yourself inner dialoguing, tell yourself to stop it, and watch the box dissolve, in an instant. With some practice, you will discover that you control your destiny and feelings. You are indeed the cause and effect in your life. Keep in mind that an inner dialogue lasts as long as you want it to. It can go on for days and even weeks, causing bitterness and depression. You do not have to learn why you practice this form of self-talk. You simply need to identify what you are doing to yourself and work on decreasing the learned behavior.